Toronto

Well, its been a while since my last post. I'm gonna say I've been too busy, but everyone knows thats not true. Well, it hasn't been true. Now it is.

Unlike my previous posts this one is going to be informative. In case anybody actually cares whats going on with me.

I just moved Toronto at the beginning of the month as I tied up everything I needed to do for my degree at the end of March... Though i still need to get grad photos done... uh-oh...

I handed out resumes across the city and got a few call backs, i settled on a job at a french resturaunt in Yorkville, Le Trou Normand. I thought it would be a great money maker as the area is ripe and fat with wealth. But on my second day on the job nobody came into the resturaunt. Business is SLOW.

Which is abd for me because i've got like $20 to my name right now, which doesn't bode well for an osap debt and rent. Anyway, I'm sure I'll manage. thats what your twenties are supposed to be about, being poor right?

As far as gettign started in theatre goes, I'm making some moves to set some things up. I'd like to start my own company, made up of guelph grads. I think we could take this city by storm. there's a lot of talent that has come through guelph in the last little while and i think that if we muster our forces here in the city we can make something awesome happen.

The first break I've got starts today. I'm Assisstant directing Sky's new show 'Bad Acting Teachers', it goes up at buddies at theend of the month. It should be a great experience, but its gonna be a lot fo time commitment considering we go up in a matter of weeks.

At any rate its exciting to be suporting myself like this, but a little daunting at the same time. all i have to look forward to is the rest of my life.

W00t.

Time Spent

Well.
It’s done.
I'm Finished.
There is no more.
I don't know what to feel.
I should be proud.
It feels good.
I feel good.

Now What?

I don't convocate until sometime in June. I move into a tiny little apartment in Kensington Market on April 1. Then what? I have no job. I have no plan. I'm moving on faith. Faith that I can do whatever I want to do, and still be okay. The rest of my life is going to be okay. It’s like I’ve just finished a second childhood. But I’d really like to start a third one, prolong the irresponsibility.

That’s something I've always had a problem with. Responsibility. I wouldn't necessarily call me irresponsible, maybe just inconsiderate.

Hmm... come to think of it I'd rather be irresponsible.

So here's how its going to go, I’m going to move to Kensington, then get a job as a waiter, a good one, enough to pay rent working part time.

Then what?

I need a project.

Ideas swim in my head...

Zasrtozzi?
True West?
Something new someone else wrote?
Something I wrote?
Torgame.com?

All of the above? Hell its possible I’ve only got the rest of my life to look into each one.

I want to subsist doing theatre. Is it possible? With the bills I’m going to be paying... I think so...

Why is it you need a ridiculous break to make any money as a theatre/film person?

Aren’t' I due for a ridiculous break by now?

A bright summer comes. Time to do something worthwhile.

Valentines Day

Well. Another Valentines Day alone. Not that I feel obliged to be with someone just because of the day, but I'd really like to be with someone. I'm feeling very lonely. My friend is visiting from out of town and he's with someone. Why is it that I'm alone? What is it about me that is so fucking awful that nobody wants to be with me?

I realize I sound incredibly self deprecating right now, and I am. But at the same time I can't understand what it is that allows some people to be happy and together while I remain alone. That is the eternal quandry of the single person. What is it that other people possess that I don't? Why can Jim Bob go out to a bar and meet Mary Jane (not a drug reference) and hook up with her on a whim when I'm stuck sipping my pint wondering why I'm so lonely.

Why can't I get up and dance with the crowd? Why can't I approach any woman I think is attractive and talk to her? I don't know the answers but I'm goddamned tired of having nothing. I was talking with a friend of mine the other day, not the aforementioned one form out of town, and he was upset about having to go six weeks without any sort of action (his girlfriend was going away). I was astonished, and I told him it’s been about six months for me. He didn't believe me. He said it was something I chose. I don't feel like I've chosen celibacy.

Is it that I think too much?
Is it that I can't relax?
What the fuck is wrong with me?

As far as I can tell and as far as people tell me I'm not unattractive, I'm not particularly lacking in any one way. So what the fuck am I supposed to do?

Why am I so lonely?

I'm not alone though. Everybody gets lonely once in a while.

I just don't see the justice in life when people get angry cause they wake up alone one morning in the week, while I haven't woken up with someone I care about in well over a year.

Fuck it. I'm going to bed.
I'm waking up alone.
I'm going to work.
I'm acting in a show.
Rinse and Repeat.

Massive Chunks of Ice

At the edge of our star system scientists have now discovered many (100+) ice balls. The interesting thing is that these ice balls that lurk beyond Pluto are apparently as big as Jupiter or larger. For those of you who don't follow our solar system closely, Jupiter is very very big. So big that many hundreds of our Earths could fit inside its volume. Jupiter is however a gas giant, and therefore made of gas, while these ice balls are made of... wait for it... water (with the possibility of some sort of solid mass core).

Their incredible distance from the sun is almost too much to fathom. If one was to think of our solar system in terms of areas we can understand, i.e. the bar I was in earlier tonight, then the sun would be the men’s washroom of the Jimmy Jazz, Mercury Venus, Earth and Mars would be within the building and Saturn, the next closest planet would be somewhere around the north pole. That is to say that Jupiter would be somewhere in outer space, if the sun was in the jazz and the scale was kept constant. All I’m trying to say is that these balls of ice are so incredibly far away, that our ideas of distance and movement don't really apply.

So they're very very very far away. Pluto, we were taught was the farthest planet away from our sun but sill in our solar system. But now we have these ice balls... scientists don't know what to call then, are they planets? Are they something else altogether? I can’t answer these questions, all I know is that they are big and they are water and they are far far away.

Does any of this mean anything to anyone? Does it create any sort of emotion or idea? I don't know. What I do know is that our little rock so close to the sun is petty fucked up right now and it seems to be mostly our fault. I don't see little lemurs or endangered elephants causing global climate change.

Why does winter start in February now?

Why does nobody seem to care that everything is going to shit?

Why in heavens name do we seem incapable of creating a solution? We can't see a history existing twenty years from now.

I feel like my children will be the last generation to have grandparents, if I have children at all.

There are no answers; only more questions. It makes one feel totally powerless. I guess that is the result of thinking about massive chunks of ice as big as Jupiter, and as far away as eternity can muster, but close enough to see.

What to do this Summer?

On a much less esoteric note, I'm now faced with the decision of what to do this summer. here are my options: move to Toronto (or some other city) and work as a waiter while trying to get started in the entertainment industry, Live at home in Mississauga and work as a waiter to pay off my Student loans and save money to move out in September or get a sublet in Guelph for cheap and work at the Sony store in Stone Road Mall.

I don't want to live at home and I'm not thrilled to work at the Sony store. I mean I was, thrilled that is, but now that I think about it more, its not as thrilling. I’d get paid minimum wage plus commission on sales of Sony products. It’s a high pressure sales environment. Writing this I wonder why I would even consider it?

Ugh... I'm not going to move home. I've got a place lined up for September in Toronto, right at College and Spadina. Reasonable rent for the city and a great location. The remaining question is do I try to find a place for the summer in the city or do I stay here and work at the Sony whore?

The only option that holds any sort of sway with my academic/artistic pursuits is to move out of this one horse town to the big city and get started.

Well... I guess I'll think about it while Ryan the Sony whore checks my references and such, then tell him what I’ve decided when he gets back to me, either to offer me a job or to say no thanks. In a way it would be a lot easier if he didn't want me to work there. Somehow I wish I flubbed the interview so I wouldn't have the option of turning down a perfectly good and probably profitable job.

First things first.

This is new to me. I have in the past looked down on blogs, thinking them to be self-indulgent and pointless. But tonight, at this time after a pitcher of beer I'm feeling self-indulgent enough to actually bridge the gap between unbridled criticism and an attempt at understanding. If anyone ever reads this, then I guess I've succeeded in one aspect at least, I've moved from self-indulgence to help.

To the reader, please tell me what you think. If I wanted to keep a journal that was secret and safe I would. I'm not writing for me, I'm writing for you, for me. In brief, I want help. We all want help. I don't have any specific problems of great concern to panic about. It’s merely a desire to live a better life. You know, be happier, have more sex, be more productive etc...

The title of the blog would make you think I was religious. Right from he start I can say that I’m not. And never have been. And may never be. I was raised Atheist, but if I ever have kids, I don't think I’d like to do that to them. So I need a place to go from that isn't based on doubt. Atheism to me is an affirmation of all the negative energy of the universe. It is a denial of the magical and it makes the world a grey dull place where love cannot exist. My father once told me that romantic love is a creation of society and it doesn’t' really exist. As an Atheist, you don't love a god, because there are none, and as my father you don't love romantically, so what do you love? How do you love?

I'm 24, I've been 'in love' a couple times, as far as I can tell. But I’ve never felt anything I would call other-worldly. A strong physical attraction combined with an equally strong emotional attachment. Is that love? I certainly hope not, there has to be something more. But I feel numb.

Cold.
Numb.
Empty.

I'm finishing and graduating from my undergrad in theatre. it took me five years, but I think it was worth it. I’ve grown as a person as much as I can, but I still fell Cold, Numb and Empty. Not to say school should fill me up, but it should do something I guess. As the only member of my family not to have ever taken anti-depressant medication I feel a little special. i also feel like perhaps i should have (taken medication).

The point isn't however what I feel, depression passes with me. Its how I control my life. In general I don't.

Now, onto prayer. My friend Jeff told me that he prays every day. I never thought of Jeff as a religious man, and indeed he isn't. But that doesn’t' stop him from taking a moment every morning to say 'please, help me' and to say 'thank you' at night. Who does he talk to? God? Shiva? Mohammed? Jesus? Whatever will listen? I don't believe in religion, but I'd be a blind fool if I said that I don't believe in something outside our simple human understanding. Some cosmic force of balance and benevolence.

For the past three days, I have prayed to whatever will listen, and it helps. I just ask for help, and say thank you. that’s all. It makes me feel better, and it really does help. I've got a whole lot more to talk about but not right now.

How do you pray?

What is prayer?